I want to share a little each week of what God is putting on my heart. My family and I have been through so much and I believe supporting one another is so important. When things fall apart, it is so easy to get inside ourselves and hold it all in. I have to admit that I am really good at hiding my feelings. I find it easier to express myself in a song, than to express my feelings out loud.
I want to start at the beginning and address that awful feeling when things fall apart. That terrible "gut" feeling when something happens that I have no control over. The day my marriage ended, I knew there was no going back. I knew it was a very unhealthy relationship, yet I didn't even comprehend then how unhealthy it was. I just knew I was at the point of no return. I denied it for a while. I kept praying that if his heart was repentant, God would make a way. It took me a few months to understand the gravity of my situation.
I had been in an abusive marriage for a long time, and with six children, I really didn't know how I was going to make it on my own. I was scared and alone. I love my kids and I would do anything to protect them. I wrote in my journal, "I would do anything to keep them safe. They are my life, my joy and my treasures." So, one night in 2008 my life completely changed. I became a single Mom to six amazing children. It would start the journey I've been on for the last 11 years, of finding faith, healing and hope beyond the fallout.
In rereading my journal, two days after my ex left, I reminded myself of the verse in Jude 20, "But you, dear friends, build yourselves up in your most Holy faith and pray in the Holy Spirit." I then wrote, "when I don't know what to pray, I can still pray and God will hear my heart's cry." It has been my experience, over and over again, that I really don't know what to pray for sometimes. Through many of the hardships that I have faced when things fall apart, I believe my prayers are not with words, but rather with sighs, with tears, and with simply breathing.
If you are like me and things have fallen apart, please know that without words, God hears. Our faith can still be built with tears.